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When the British heard that the Japanese were attacking Malaya, they quickly announced that they are going back to Britain for vacation and will be back after the war to collect the remainding tin and gold. Francis Light was so scared that he packed his bag so light until he forgot to bring his torchlight and marlboro light cigarette. So it was so dark on the boat going back to Britain that the boat struck an "iceberg", actually it was a beach, except that this time, it’s a lot colder and the people there speaks Japanese. Francis Light said to himself,"Ohh my Light, the Japs have overthrown Britain", but Francis Light wondered where are all the British and Indians. Little did they know that they have landed on a beach named Hiroshima. Francis Light sent half of his crew to Nagasaki to wait for the British Royal Unloyal Air Force to come and rescue them. Soon Francis Light rejoiced so see that the British Air Force have sent a big smoke mushroom to rescue his crew at Nagasaki, and they wait eagerly for the same at Hiroshima. The smoke mushroom transport came in a package falling from the sky, and Francis Light was the first to go and grab it saying,"Hurrah!the big smoke mushroom will send us back to Britain", but until today, Francis Light’s body cannot be found. Some say he’s 1000 Light years away from us, some say he’s hiding in the Francis Light Statue at Convent Light Street opposite St.Xavier’s Institution.

After the war was over, when thousands of people in Malaya have been killed, tortured, raped, abused by the Japs, the British finally came back and told the people that it was so cold in Britain, so they overslept and forgot to come back earlier. They did send ammunitions and weapons by DHL(Doraemon Haram Lanun) sampan from Britain to Malaya, but the lighthouse in Teluk Bahang Penang was not seen because the Japanese commander was raping a woman on the lighthouse, later found out that it was a female orang utan. His name was Commander Yamashita Tolocaoki. He got AIDS after that and went to surrender to Leftenan Adnan to ask for AIDS cure because Leftenan Adnan told the Japanese that Bukit Kepong got the cure. So Leftenan Adnan asked General Yamashita to drop his pants and say"Jepun balik Jepun" 20 times and gave him the translation that that phrase means "Japan rules the world". After that, Leftenan Adnan told him that he must make Shushi from the infected part, but it must be wrapped in daun pisang instead of seaweed coz all the seaweed was roasted during the bombing. Yamashita did as told, after that Leftenan Adnan asked him to eat the Shushi and guarantee him that he will be cured. He wasn’t cured after 3 days, and he threathen to kill Leftenan Adnan. Leftenan Adnan told him,"Ohh, i forgot, here’s the best cure for any type of disease". Thus, Leftenan Adnan took out his rifle and tembak the Yamashita.  He was cured forevermore.

When the Japanese lost the war, they were so depressed. They went to see local psychiatrist for mental counselling. The most famous counseller was Hang Tuah. He taught them to do harakiri or if they refuse, he will do harakanan to them.(harakiri is thrusting the samurai sword through your own body, harakanan is thrusting the samurai sword through another Japanese soldier’s body). Some Japanese soldiers who were addicted to raping were advised to go for alternative solution, like their General Yamashita at the Teluk Bahang lighthouse. All the prostitutes in the brothel opened by the Japanese soldiers were secretly sneaked out at night and replaced by female chimpanzees and gorillas.

The Japanese army was utterly defeated, their Shushi shops closed down, their brothels transformed into Safari, their samurai sword confiscated and kept in video games, their torture machine sent back to Japan as army training obstacles course. The British thought they have succeeded in driving the Japanese away and the people here are grateful for them, though they were extremely punctual in arriving directly after the war was over. They told the locals how much they missed Malaya, especially the tin mines and gold mines. When the British wanted to resume power, they found that the Union Jack flag was worn by a monkey to cover itself during the Japanese occupation.

Few minutes before 31 August 1957, finally the monkey surrendered the Union Jack flag to be raised and lowered in the stadium and given back to the monkey later on to wipe the toilet bowl.

(fiction)

lately i went with josh to a beach in penang to camp overnight….everything was blissful until it hits midnight. after the superb divine-provision barbecue dinner where the charcoals, fireplace, chicken wire were miraculously provided, it started to rain a little. little did we know of the gruelsome pathetic unplanned undesired terror which awaits us that night.

we ran out of candles and matches, which were the two vital weapons of mass destruction against our adversary. i only brought 3 candles and josh only brought 1 box of matches….our preparation for this camp surpasses logical understanding. i was about to sleep when i heard the sound of the adversary. we tried to light some fire but the only options we had was the caveman technique of rolling the stick or hitting two rocks together. we realised that our grandchildren would have grown up and laughing at us by the time we got the fire started, so we refuse utterly to apply those high-tech techniques. josh asked me why i took out my mp3 player, and i told him that it was more of a blessing to listen to mp3 songs than to listen to mosquito FM. ironically at some place especially the exotic beach we went to, u just can’t tune in to Hitz FM or other FMs. no matter what u tune to, it’s Mosquito FM. i said ‘exotic’ beach because some stuffs were not of local origin. joshua wrapped himself like a mummy and yet, he was still attacked by those nonsense motherless unorthodox creatures. i told joshua that it is the ancient legend of the mosquitoes that since young, they were trained not to give up.

if u noticed, there are white and black stripes on the mosquitoes’ body. that’s because they wear Adidas, and their moto "impossible is nothing". thank God, we took some ember from the fireplace to start a little fire and the smokes drove those creatures away. it seems like the Mosquitoes are aware of the "Tak Nak" campaign and since most mosquitoes do not live over 18 years, they are not allowed to smoke. the fire lasted for about an hour, and adversity continues for us. i and joshua had to sit up on the bench and keep moving our hands and feet like MC Hammer from 5am to 7am. both of us did the MC hammer "dance" at the beach like stupid idiots performing for the turtles and fishes to watch for 2 miserable hours.

we forfeited our breakfast to escape hell. i figured out the next time we come to this "beach", if we ever come back, i will bring along a flame-thrower to create some smoke or bring the representative lawyer of Adidas to sue the Mosquitoes for using their copyright trademark without permission; or maybe we can borrow the BSG(Big Smoking Gun) from the Kementerian Kesihatan to saturate the place before we start camping and some Tak Nak poster warning the Mosquitoes that it’s illegal for them to smoke. Soon, i might file a lawsuit against the Mosquitoes for their launching of blood donation drive on us without our consent, thus violating our privacy and freedom from harm under Article 3(11) of the Federal Constitution. I will also inform the government of their tax evasion because for centuries, the Mosquitoes have not been paying the customs duty for blood export and blood income tax to the Federal Government.

The beach which i talked about is Muka Head. maybe after my second visit there with a flame-thrower and some phosphorus grenades, the name will be changed to Botak Head. So if u’re thinking for a place of vacation or a personal perseverance or micro-tactical training, Muka Head is the place to go…it’s the place of baptism under adversity. Have fun there, or get stunned there.

Mosquito FM(TM) is a trademark of Exotic Beach Sdn. Bhd.,a subsidiary of MosquitoInternational

haha…have u ever gone through an experience where u think the other person of the opposite sex likes u or shows interest in you.?..and it turns out to be the contrary…or maybe vice versa..how do u know if the other person is really interested in you?..(just a sidenote, if u’re 15 and below, stop reading this and go study for PMR)

i don’t know about girls but for guys, i have an opinion. this is for u girls(i mean real biological original girls coz it’s confusing these days). unless a guy speaks out, with his lips, in an understandable language like english or BM or mandarin that he is interested in u, do not assume that he is interested in you even though it seems like all the non-verbal language is saying that he likes u. if that guy doesn’t speak it out verbally to u and stating his intention towards you, it’s either he just wants to be your friend only or he’s a chicken who doesn’t have the guts to say it out..the second kind of guy doesn’t deserve your extra attention, so don’t let him presume that he has any chance at all. just treat him like any other friend of yours(by the way, u’ll never know if the guy is just messing with u or maybe he just cares for u as his sister). don’t risk yourself to do the initiating if u’re not sure of his intention(even  if u like him a lot). if he really has intention to marry you, let him do the talking first. if he’s not a man or not man enough yet, just let him alone. just be a friend or a sister to him, and no more.

for the guys(myself included), i have to say this. it’s a shame for the guys(not all) because we do not have the guts to do the talking and initiating the relationship with the woman whom we love and wish to marry(if u’re not able to marry yet or u have the gift of celibacy, then it’s understandable). many times, the woman have to take up the initiating role simply because the guy is a chicken. the same goes for friendship with girls. the guys have to make effort to initiate conversation with girls without being so self-conscious of "what will she think of me?" or "what will others say?". be a man!! come on. guys, we can do it. it’s not a sin to talk to girls. i hope u realize by now…they are our sisters..why should we be afraid to talk to our sisters…guys, don’t expect girls to come and talk to u by pretending to be cool and assume the girls will initiate a conversation with u….if not many girls come and talk to u, don’t say that the girls don’t like u or u’re not handsome enough. go and do the talking, for manhood sake.

guys, if u can’t even socialise with girls well, why do u expect to have a girlfriend or a relationship beyond friendship with the opposite sex? can u just imagine if u go into marriage like that, u’re gonna communicate with your wife using Morse Code, if she does not start a verbal conversation with u.

i’m not asking u to go and mess around with girls like a playboy or casanova, but just be yourself and be a brother to your sisters. Even Jesus did the talking first with the woman at the well, and his disciples felt strange about that. to sum it all, it’s about humbling ourselves and letting go of our pride as men, and to be others-centered and not self-centered.

(fact or fiction?)

it’s because she was from Netherlands.

hikers: kai tarng, ps.koe, phek sim, poh sim.

starting point: somewhere near Asia Cafe in front of Bomba

destination: top station of penang hill

7.20 - we began the hike

7.20 to 9.20 - we hike

9.20 - we finished the hike

wanna know more, come ask me.i’ll bring u to hike with me, see if u got time to write report along the journey.

hey, sorry if i did. my bad. i need to explain this to clear any misunderstanding about me. i have this bad habit of staring blank at one position while in critical thinking about an issue, and after a while without realizing, the position i stared blankly at is a person, and when i’m aware of it, i’m like "oops, hope that didn’t send any wrong signal", and i will turn away to other direction immediately. bcoz of this, sometimes i like to stare blankly at an object or at the wall and make sure nobody’s there, but even when some walks into that view, i might not realize. that’s how much i am caught up with my mind. sorry guys if i ever stared at u like that. i need to say this because if u’re a guy, u might think that i’m a gay or if u’re a girl, u might think that i’m a maniac(or think that u’re so cun that a guy like me wants to keep my eyes on u,haha, just joking, no hard feelings). i’m trying to kick this habit of daydreaming, so bear with me. if i ever lock my eyes on you again, just do something like a backflip and see if my eyebrow is raised. if it’s not, then it’s either i’m daydreaming or your backflip is terrible.

(non-fiction)

one fine day, hang jebat went to visit hang tuah. when he reached hang tuah’s house, he yelled, ‘hang tuah’. hang tuah came out furious,saying, "mengapa engkau panggil patik tua, saya masih muda lagi. so he screamed in his anger, "hang jebat". so hang jebat became furious,saying,"jangan panggil patik jebat, patik hebat, bukan jebat"(it’s not funny, so don’t laugh yet). so both of them drew their swords and began the duel. after 10 seconds of duel, they were exhausted, when suddenly the sultan’s messenger came and bring them the order to ‘mengadap’ from the sultan. so they went.

at the istana Melaka, the sultan was pleased to see his 2 superheroes. he said to them,"today, i am going to announce the official pedang(sword) of our empire today, hand tuah and hang jebat, draw out your swords". hang tuah and hang jebat was very reluctant to do so, bcoz their swords were badly damaged from the duel, that their swords became very crooked, but they drew out the swords anyway. so it was, the crooked swords was officiated as the official pedang of the century. so the sultan asked,"what shall we call it?" hang jebat in his anger and frusfration, ignorant of the sultan’s question, said,"curse it" bcoz he lost the duel bcoz he had stomachache."what?", answered the sultan to jebat’s words,"Keris?is that what u said? then Keris we shall call it".

after 5 minutes, the British conquered the empire of Melaka. as they approached the sultan and asked him of His Majesty’s last wish before he is sent to Disneyland for lifetime imprisonment, the sultan yelled loudly,"Hang Tuah, Hang Jebat!!!tolong Beta!!" since the British understand  no BM at that time, they answered the sultan,"as you wished, Your Majesty". so the British hanged Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat.

(fiction)

francis light heard that in the malay sultanate empire, there’s a beautiful island which is not occupied yet, so he and his crew boarded the ship and headed toward the empire. it was night time when they almost reached penang, but thay couldn’t see the island. ‘where’s it, the island?’,said francis light. ‘no idea’, says one of the crew. KABOOMMM!!!they hit something real hard. is it an iceberg? oh no, we’re gonna die! francis light found out that the ship pilot, Carl, was drunk with some drink from a glass bottle. so they named the intoxicating drink after the pilot and the supposed iceberg, Carl’sberg thay named the drink. they decided to market the drinks to the locals so they can win the war fatster and take over the island. actually, it wasn’t the iceberg, it was penang, batu feringgi. their ship is still there, in fact, it has turned into some high class restaurant. francis light realized the accident happened bcoz there was no lighthouse, so he built one at teluk bahang, still there today. so francis light had some light snacks with his light skin crew and light some cigarette to smoke, and drank coke light. so francis light honored his surname.

when the kedah sultan found out that francis light didn’t help him in the civil war, he planned an attack on penang. at night time, the sultan warrior rowed their latest technology sampan to penang. francis light found out, and he switch off the lighthouse. so the sultan warriors rowed passed penang and rowed till morning to sumatera, and attacked sumatera. they were wondering why the mat sallehs can turn into locals so fast. superb evolution. so the kedah sultan shouted at francis light from seberang, and said,’ not fair, u guys got cannon and firepower, bullets, we only have our crooked swords(u’ll know why in the next episode of lame jokes) and tombak, give us some of yours’. so francis light said ‘ok, i send u half of my bullets and cannonballs, but if i send by sampan, they’ll end up in sumatera, like what happened to your warriors.’ so francis light thought for a while, and he said,’ i know 1 way to send u those stuff within seconds, faster than FEDEX or DHL, hang on and catch!’. so francis light loaded his rifles and loaded the cannon and shot those standing yonder at seberang. very efficient and time saving delivery of goods. then francis light wondered,’they’re so grateful to me for my generosity, is that why they jump and lie down and never get up?’

(fiction)

Well, i have friends that asked me what kind of girl do i like? my former answer was looks, she must be pretty…that’s the most important…

my priority of criteria in choosing a girlfriend used to be looks, character, and then godliness…but as time passed by and as i grow more mature, my priority of choice kind of changed upside down….now if u ask me, my answer would be godliness(she must be a devoted Christ believer) first, and loves to play sports(so that she’ll stay in shape after i marry her), and lastly looks…..

i have learned to appreciate godliness in girls coz it’s very precious and rare..there are really pretty and hot girls all around, but very few are truly godly. Charm is deceitful, beauty is passing, but she who fears the Lord shall be praised.

Someone asked me if i’m going after any girl now, my answer is no. but i do like someone. i’m not into casual dating, so i’ll only get it started when i’m able to marry her. right now, i’ll just get to know her more. i don’t want to waste my singleness with a relationship where there’s no true security which a marriage has. i want the best, for my single life, and for my married life in future. right now, my focus is to prepare myself to be a godly husband and father in the future, God willing.

i have a new theory of why the chicken cross the road. i’ve read esmond’s thesis on it, this one might just be an alternate explanation….alrite, let’s get started

the chicken heard that the restaurant nearby is giving out free food….(it didn’t know that the restaurant is KFC)..so the chicken went out of it’ cage, since it’s gonna die anyway, it’s got nothing to lose…what more,..free food.

so the chicken went across the road to the restaurant..and when he reached the entrance of KFC, he asked the person-in-charge,"yo, where’s the free food?"

the person-in-charge replied,"yo, you’re it."..and he took the chicken by the wings and threw it into the chicken swimming pool(deep fry oil)..

by the way, the "person-in-charge" was colonel sanders..during the world war 2, he was the cook for the soldiers, normal dish was fried chicken..haha…

(fiction)